Over dinner tonight studying my kids I can still see the baby and the little child character in my 12 year old son. It is like he has remained constant although developing, maturing and calming, he is still a reflection of how he was. He has even retained aspects of his looks.
On the other hand 16 year old daughter is unrecognisable to the cute toddler she once was. She always was an unconventional beauty. A touch of mystery with her dark eyes, her creamy peaches skin with a hint of olive and her short curly hair. She and I were so close and inseparable in her first few years. A tight and happy unit we went through a lot together. And then something happened. Something changed and it has been like a long dark tunnel with only the occasional flicker of sunlight with her.
When son was born I didn't automatically take to him and found it hard to imagine I could ever love another child the way I loved my daughter and so I didn't in a way. It took maybe a year for me to really love him and that's when the chinks started to show in my relationship with my daughter. I'm being brutally honest here! I don't think she resents Mr Doris for becoming part of our lives because she is certainly close to him and at times closer to him than I. I've certainly wavered in my affections for her but I don't know which came first her difficult behaviour and me reacting against it or her reacting against me and my changing affections.
Daughter is sixteen and a half now. She seems very happy and this evening she said two nice things to me. First she offered to do some housework and asked what was needed. I suggested a few things and she went and attempted a bit. It was a nice exchange and didn't deteriorate into me sniping at her in any way. Then later on she told me that she would come with me on a family gathering that I had specifically asked her that I would like her to attend. I didn't have to remind her or anything. She just offered. (Unfortunately I need to break it to her soon that we will in fact be sleeping over and I reckon she won't be happy about that but at least she has come part of the way to agreeing.)
Looking at my daughter I search her face for the baby and toddler I loved but I reckon I needed to let go of who she was and what we once had. She's a burgeoning adult who likes to think she is already there, but in some ways she is. She's changed into a beautiful young woman with a gorgeous smile, who feels she has learned a lot and wants to work hard and do well.
If only I can keep my mouth shut and not wind her up maybe she might grow back into being the daughter that I love. (Now ain't that a controversial thing for a mother to say!)
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So you're the adult she needs to prove herself to, the one she sees as strongest, the one in whose company she puts up the act that is her impression of 'being adult and independent'.
Its good, and if you can see her acting out not as an action but as a reaction - as railing against the strength and authority she sees in you, just by you standing there; thats she's acting from the stance that you have won, already; then it helps.
And yes, at worst it takes until they have children of their own for some large and pride-removing pennies to drop.
Hang on in there.
The relationship with a mother and daughter is lots of give and take, and the mother has to be the one to recognize the give, because of being the grown-up.
I have a friend whose daughter is 14, and my friend says this has been the worst year of her own life. She wakes up every morning and makes an effort to find positive to hang onto.
Ah, but to be a parent. When we're in the thick of it, especially when our children are in their teens, it's as if we're always questioning whether we 're going to survive the experience. But they do grow up, and seldom are our worst fears realized. I knew my son was quite a challenge--very engaging and lots of energy--but he crossed the threshold into adulthood just fine. He's now in the Army accomplishing things I never thought he'd be motivated to try. Since you seem to be the stronger parent, consider yourself fortunate that your daughter tests limits with you. As long as you continue to set them in a manner that's fair, and allow for natural consequences when she makes a poor choice, she'll always have you to thank after she's on her own. Wonderful, insightful writing on parenting. Thanks for bringing me back.
Scot
Things are definitely getting better all the time though.
MrsDof Thank you also for another thoughtful comment. I am grateful that my daughter is still here and that I haven't been like my mother so yes, it is up to me to make it better.
Dog1Net Great to hear about your son. And you have a very interesting and pertinent post on your blog about the youth of today.
LeLaquet I've heard that from others who had fought with their parents and that kept me going in the earlier days of teenage difficulties.
I love my mother (and father) dearly; but I couldn't live with her as two adult women in the same house. I guess that that teenage period is where mothers and daughters renegotiate their boundaries, which are bound to be always changing as the daughter gradually matures.
You are so insightful - this relationship is something I'm still actively struggling with and you've given me something in this post that I think will help me.
As the others say - hang in there! x
As for me, I'm the cat that has got the cream as regards Mothers Day. I'm going to leave this desk - was going to catch up wtih some more work but not going to now - don't wont to waste an opportunity. More another time and wish me luck :-D
But couldn't eat a whole one!
I'll be posting some Mrs Pig photographic news in a month or so. Well, a photo will definitely be Due before the 10th of June! ;o)
Thanks for the blogbirthday greetings!
As many have suggested: hang on in there...they go into puberty and...they come out again! My oldest daughter (22!) was at my gig last night with her boyfriend singing along and having a great time.
If it's any consilation I belive this difficult time really does bring you closer in the long run. My mom and I can laugh together over some of the things from those years that were just horrid.
Many hugs, Doris. You are a great inspiration for your daughter to grow into. She is just having a hard time finding herself right now. She's not gone from you -- just stepping into her own emotional cacoon of growth.
Hugs!
My children are still young, but I get glimpses here and there that someday I will HAVE to start detaching. I will HAVE to deal with them thinking for themselves.
I tell myself the arguments are nature's way of making letting go easier.
We'll see.
Hang in there. Be sweet, but remember you are the parent; she is not.
I am 67 years old now, have reared 4 children, who have all turned out very well, although there were times when I could have killed them all!
Blessings to you and your family.
Shirleybuxton.com
shirleyjbuxton.blogspot.com